Little Brown Book

I have now been home in California since the 9th, and tomorrow I leave for Texas to go back to school. It's been so strange to not have a schedule to adhere to, and my days have been filled with reading and The Office. I figure I should probably recap the last bit of my internship, for those of you who were wondering what happened to me.

The very last week was my week on the mountain. This means that along with Zach and the mountain intern Stephen, I hiked up Mt. Bard with the week's youth group, which happened to be from Katy, TX. From Monday until Thursday I had an introduction to God's love that the youth groups had been getting all summer. I loved the fireside devos where Zach talked about Jesus' radical love. I also loved battling gravity with the 17 people from the youth group as we ascended into thinner air and breathtaking views of God's creation. At the top of a mountain, it's peaceful and almost sacred. Nature offers a "cathedral hush" more holy than the stale air that circulates within the walls of any manmade edifice. At summit, Zach talked to the group about how we may want to stay out here. "Hey, it'd be great to just live in the mountains away from everyone." Well, that contradicts everything we had been talking about that week, and also everything I had been learning this summer. God made us to be with people. We're supposed to be in messes. We're supposed to be alongside our own kind. We're supposed to be in relationship.

Every night before I went to bed for the past ten weeks, I thought about what I was thankful for that day and wrote them down in a small leather journal. Looking back on what I wrote, I see a theme: the Holy Spirit, friends, and relationships were the most common entries. I have had many, many relationships this summer: with my co-interns, with the staff, with the street kids, with the youth groups, with the woman who let me live in her home. I've learned the importance of being friends with people and not judging them (although, it's not something that's perfected overnight - of course I am always going to struggle with not judging people). I've learned that it takes time to get to know someone. I've learned that you can get to know someone whose lifestyle is completely different than your own. And you can be friends with them. Walking through life together - this is what Dry Bones has taught me. Walk with someone - not as their mentor or guide, but as their ally - and no matter what messes you get into together or because of each other, you are living how God made us to live. I think that's why He wants to be friends with us, too.

I may feel like lounging around in this...

... but my heart lies with the likes of these.

Drawn In

With one week left in Denver, I find myself becoming increasingly attached to my friends on the streets. This week has been incredible and I feel like I am loved by some of these kids. It's simple things like a spot being made for me to sit on the level part of the hill, being approached while sitting alone because someone wants to talk to me about daily life, and not being able to take the typical smiling photo with one another - only the silly kind - that make all of these "kids" seem completely like friends. It's strange, but this feeling is very unexpected. I think that in deciding to come here, I wanted to love people, but I never expected to be loved in return. But I am. I know this shouldn't surprise me, because friendship is a two-way street, but I think I still had that mindset that I'm the one with something to give and that I will probably get nothing in return. But that is totally not true, and I am so ashamed to have thought that. Now I know better, though. Everyone has something to offer. Be willing to receive it. Don't ever forget it.

I want to tell you about a guy I'll call "Ryan." I had seen him at bowling and at the picnics a few times, but it wasn't until yesterday's picnic that I actually sat down and had a conversation with him. I asked him to tell me about himself, and I learned a great deal more than that. He told me the basics - he's almost 20; his parents are dead; he'd been in foster care since a young age and moved all around southern California until he came to Denver pretty recently; he smoked his first cigarette when he was 6 but didn't smoke consistently until age 12; he was quite defiant in school; he won a month's rent to an apartment in Denver in a bet, so he will be here until the month is up - but before he said any of that, he said that he wished he was drunk right now. I asked him if he had to use a fake ID to buy alcohol, and he laughed as if I had told a joke. He said, "No offense, but if I walked into a store dressed like you and tried to buy alcohol, they would ask for ID; the way I'm dressed, the way I look - they don't care. They don't care what a street kid drinks, but if they sold someone like you alcohol, someone who has people that care about them - like parents - there would be problems if the parents found out about it." I didn't know what to say, but it would make sense if I were a careless business owner - anything to make a buck. I feel awful for even thinking that, though. And I also regret not saying anything helpful in response. From the depths of my heart, I want to tell him, "I care about you, and even more importantly, Jesus cares about you and loves you so much that He died to relieve you of the death you walk in, the existence that feels better when you can't even feel," but I didn't think of that then. I pray that God will show Ryan His undying love and that I may get another chance to share that with him. Anyway, today, a few minutes after arriving at the picnic, he walked up to me and gave me a hug. Didn't say anything, just walked up, hugged me, and walked away. That simple action almost made me want to cry! I had never said more than "Hello" and "How are you?" before yesterday's picnic. All I did was listen to him for about 15 minutes on a park bench! But I cannot express just how that quiet embrace made me feel.

I am greatly saddened at the thought of departure.

Culture and Conflict

Last Saturday at the picnic there was almost a big fight between some dear street friends of ours. I can't describe the shift in the atmosphere, but it was definitely noticeable. I felt like everything else was suspended while a few guys stood yelling at each other and they and others prepared to fight. It scared me because I didn't want anybody to get hurt and I really thought there was going to be violence. Fortunately, George and Robbie helped diffuse the controversy and everything died down after the people involved talked it out; although, I still think there may be some remaining hostility, but I'm not positive. But all of this made me think about how different the street culture is from the culture I come from. I can't imagine what it would be like to demonstrate my loyalty to my friends by fighting alongside them (FYI: that's not necessarily the way they show they're on someone's side, but it seems to be one of them). Anyway, all this to say that I'm realizing that 2 months seems like no time at all to understand a completely different culture and to make really meaningful friendships. I feel like my relationships here are just getting to that point of real friendships, and I'm going to have to leave in 2 short weeks. I hope I will be able to somehow maintain at least a few of these relationships through email and whatnot.

Texas Lovin'

After a week in the blistering 104° heat of Duncanville, Texas, I am now safely back in Lakewood, Colorado. What a ride that hot week was! The youth group at Duncanville Church of Christ is absolutely amazing and I know God wants to use them in that city. The reason Robbie and I went was to help them see the hurting places of their city, recognize the places of hope, and to connect with kids who are, for the most part, in hard situations. I was also quite surprised to find that the group had also organized a 24/7 house of prayer week in the church, and in the evenings a group of them prayed over people who needed healing or encouragement. It was amazing to see them pour out love within the church building and then go out into heat that makes you woozy to play baseball or dominoes with a bunch of younger kids at an apartment complex down the road. What two very different sides of the coin we call church! I was so struck by the gifts and talents and passion of these young people and I know that their potential is limitless. Being the only intern with them last week (and being with them literally 24 hours a day, except for about 12 hours when one of their moms invited me to sleep at their house - and all I did was sleep, and it was glorious), I got to know them pretty well and they are seriously really cool kids. I'm really excited to hear about what God has in store for them.

Ascent and Descent: That's My Summer

I apologize for being lazy and not writing for almost two weeks. Now it's my week off and I don't really have anything planned, so I figured I should post something instead of doing nothing.

Last week was really great. The youth group was from Alabama and they were a bunch of fun. I really enjoyed hanging out with them and am continually fascinated by all the connections, however small or insignificant, we are able to make with high schoolers from around the country, and they with the street kids. We interns talked last week about the story of our lives and how the different experiences each person has fits into every other person's life experience. It's interesting to note that although our stories may be very different, many of our basic motivations and desires are the same. I think we all want to be loved, wanted, accepted, and valued, and we operate out of that desire. To realize that this life purpose is relational and can only be satisfied through relationships and communication of some sort or another makes me more sensitive to the people around me. I hope to be a clear channel of God's love, grace, and mercy at all times, and it is my constant prayer that He would work through any word or action I am able to offer... because I know that He makes anyone loved, wanted, accepted, and valued - but it's sometimes hard to see that.

This Monday and Tuesday I spent hiking and camping. Along with 5 other interns and friends, I went on an epic climb to the summit of a fourteen-thousand-foot mountain called Mt. Belford. Not being a naturally athletic or outdoorsy person, I barely made it; I survived. Four of my companions continued on to summit Mt. Oxford, but Liz and I hiked back down to camp and met them there. I must say that although the hike up was incredibly hard, the hike down was absolutely agonizing, as my toes kept jamming into the front of my boot. I got a blister and a black toenail out of that. Anyway, it was a beautiful trek and a great experience, although I do not believe I'll be climbing any more fourteeners in the near future.

It always amazes me how photos can never fully capture the majesty of creation.

Enlighten Me

We went camping last night with the youth group and some street kids. Car camping is awesome because you can bring anything you want and not have to worry about hiking it up a mountain with you. I think camping is such a great bonding experience because everyone gets gross from not taking showers and cozy in a stuffy tent at night. It rained a bit when we got there, but then it cleared up for the most part and was gorgeous when we woke up in the morning. I went to bed pretty early along with two other girls in my tent, and as I was laying there, I heard everyone else start singing worship songs. I totally wasn't expecting it, but it was pretty different to just sit and listen to worship and silently partake in it than it is to sing out loud. I just wondered at all the beautiful voices I heard that were making music to the heavens, and thought about how kids who live in suburban homes and kids who don't know where they're going to sleep each night can all worship the same, mighty, powerful, loving, gracious God of the universe. He unifies like nothing else I have experienced in my 20 years. I also gained a new sense of connection with street life; although while on a mountain, there were no showers, no easy waste relief, and no clean shelters, all of which are struggles someone who lives on the streets faces every day and night. I felt ashamed to feel so gross after one night of sleeping in a tent without a shower the next morning to wake me up, when some of my new friends probably haven't had showers in weeks. I have found that simple things are those that are most eye-opening. It's just that I haven't had the perspective to view them in a different manner other than my suburban, middle class, church eyes.

A couple days ago, we had a teaching time where our "assignment" was to go into a park and just absorb God's glory, and then we had to write down adjectives that came to us when we looked/heard/smelled/whatever. As I sat there, I saw a squirrel, which crept ever closer because I kept so still. It made me think of the fact that I probably seemed so entirely other to it, as God does to us, and yet when we come to Him, He blesses us and challenges us and loves us; for all that squirrel knew, I could have had a lifetime supply of food for it and its curiosity was about to pay off. Anyway, I couldn't just sit there and write a few words to describe everything I felt and was thinking, so I wrote a short poem. I didn't think it was finished when my half hour was up, but now I realize that I can't really add anything after the fact. Since I already shared it with everyone here, I figure I should just post it. Here it is:

For what is this racing heart if not to beat for You?

Blood pumped through these veins in Your perfect rhythm.

The cycle unfolds amidst curiosity, a search for something more.

Life begets life but You alone begot its meaning.

I perceive goodness because You told me it is so.

My eyes are being enlightened; oh, thank You, God.

Your victory, Your Son, this Jesus, my home.

Birthday Bash, Bug Bites, and Buddies

It's truly been way too long since I last wrote, but it has been a great time, so don't worry - nothing bad happened to me and I'm still here absolutely LOVING it (except for all the spider and but bites I seem to be getting).

First of all, I had an incredible birthday last Friday. We all went to The House of Commons, which is an English tea room downtown. I had tea and a REAL scone (not one of those overly sweet triangular ones they sell at Starbucks) and jam and cream. I even met the owner, who used to live just south of the Lake District in England. It was great to hear an English accent after so long. I went to the Dry Bones picnic that afternoon, which is my f

avorite event, as I have mentioned. Later that night we went to support Zach, one of the Dry Bones staff, as he played and sang at a coffeehouse called Solid Grounds as a fundraiser to fight human sex trafficking. And he also randomly sang me happy birthday, roping everyone in the place into singing to me as well. One of my fellow interns, Jenny, even baked me a cake and brought it out with candles flaming in the shape of the number 20. I have never felt so old. Something about being in my second decade freaks me out. Anyway, it was an awesome day, and I think it ranks as my Best Birthday Ever. I only wish I could have seen my family as well, but my parents sent me a package with sweets and my sister sent me a card with photos of my nieces; can't get much better than that while I'm away!

My English birthday tea

Madison, Mark, and I are working with a youth group this week that didn't go up on the mountain; they're what we call a "city group" and they are one of two we will have this summer. We've been doing a bunch of stuff like picnics, movies, OJ Saves (older homeless outreach), and the Turf Tour, and tomorrow night we are going camping with them and some of the friends we've met here this summer. I'm really excited because I love spending time with all these people and because I haven't been camping in years!

So this week we have a total of three interns and one staff member up on the mountain with a completely different youth group, three of us interns and two staff members working with the city group, and the other three interns and two staff members doing city stuff separately before the mountain group comes down. It's taking all this separation from my co-interns and staff friends to make me realize just how attached I am to every one of them already. They are so willing to love in the way of Jesus that it inspires me to do the same. For me, it brings a new meaning to spurring one another on toward love and good deeds (Hebrews 10:24); it is as if the faith in which the love is lavished is the catalyst for my loving on others, and then perhaps this makes others want to love others, and so on. I don't even know if that makes sense, but I just thought I'd throw that out there.

Deeper

Considering the past few days, a few notable experiences come to mind: Saturday's picnic, eating ice cream after Sunday night church, and hanging out in the park this afternoon.

First of all, the picnic is my favorite "event" that we, including the Elevations group, do. We have sandwiches, chips, cookies, and drinks to share all around. I am still a strong believer in the significance of meals (think about the Last Supper and communion... and any of the other meals Jesus shared with people), and I think that there's something about eating together that is so intimate and often overlooked. Anyway, sharing this midday meal, I met several street kids and got glimpses into lives that are so other. God keeps showing me the life behind mere appearances and granting me the patience to listen and ask questions about these lives.

After church downtown on Sunday night (which was my first ever night church experience), we wanted to hang out longer, so we went to the 16th Street Mall and ran into a few of our friends from the streets. We walked up and down the mall to find ice cream (because apparently ice cream machines like to break on the same day) and eventually stopped in a McDonald's and ate ice cream together. It was amazing to not feel a distinct rift between "us" as interns and "them" as street kids. I wonder what we looked like to people from the outside, and I also wonder at the way God is refocusing our eyes to see everyone as His beloved children. Something Dry Bones is passionate about is revealing the truth that there really is no "us" and "them;" there is just "us." I am beginning to see it and experience it.

The third notable thing I would like to share is my new friendship with a girl I'll call "Rachel." I actually met her at the picnic on Saturday. She is a photography student at the Art Institute, and today at the park I found out that she also writes poetry. How interesting; photography and poetry, two things I also enjoy. I wanted to ask her if I could hear some of her poems, but I was unsure at how she would respond so I said nothing. Suddenly, she starts speaking some of the most emotionally-charged, raw words I have heard and I look up and see that she's reading one of her poems. Finished, she looks up and tells me that the experience that prompted her to write the poem - one that made her feel like she was "crying blood" - was a bad past relationship with a very controlling man. I was so surprised that she would pour out something that was such a part of herself after knowing me for only a couple days. She also said something that made me realize a hardship that I have never had to deal with: she mentioned, in an off-hand manner, that she was unsure of where she would find food to eat later. I don't know how to respond to statements like that. I have literally no experience with not knowing where my next meal will come from. I can't even imagine feeling so unable to control something that seems as simple (now) as my diet. I look forward to see where our friendship will go in these coming weeks.

Street Smarts

I am already fully convinced that I have the best summer job ever.

Our first youth group came on Monday and went up on the mountain that afternoon; they will be back tomorrow and then we get to spend the rest of the week with them. In the meantime, we have been learning about the streets and practicing Turf Tours.

I am learning so much about God's powerful love. We did what is called an "urban plunge" yesterday, which is like a simulation of being homeless for a few hours. We had a scenario we had to role play and it really demonstrated how much time is spent just looking for a place to sleep that night or for places to eat for free the next day. Along with us came one of Dry Bones' friends, a woman who became a street kid at the age of 13 and is now 35. It was incredible to hear her life story which involved abuse, rape, prostitution, drug addiction, drug dealing, and homelessness. Her partner's story was equally as incredible, he having been in and out of jail and addicted to heroin. But now they both love Jesus and are able to use their stories to show others the power of God's rescue. They know He has always been with them, and I think that their acceptance of His grace is the most courageous act I have ever known. Their faith is so completely different than mine or anyone else's I have ever known. I can't imagine being in their previous position, with nobody who cared or loved me, and yet still coming to realize that God's love covers all; Jesus' death is bigger than all that, it's bigger and mightier than any crap anyone has ever been through. I had never thought of grace as mighty before now, and it's humbling to realize that it relieves us all from any sin, and no sin is on any higher or lower level than another. Praise Jesus for their testimonies.

This woman also told us that the most anyone can do for a homeless person is to simply acknowledge their existence. Say hello if you see them, even if you can't or don't feel right giving them money. Smile. Wave. Do something to show that they are not invisible, that they are worthy of being treated as a person, that they are alive. She said that Dry Bones has the right idea because their whole ministry is based on relationships, which aren't measurable but ascribe worth to each person. How would you feel if you lived your life in the margins and nobody even turned a head your direction? I know I would begin to question the fact that I even exist, that I'm even a person; and I would wonder what was wrong with me and why I'm not worth a simple hello. What makes anyone's worth different from anyone else? Jesus died and rose for us all; His grace, mercy, and love is impartial. "We're all His favorite," as I have heard quoted before.

I'm still praying that God continues to open my eyes, those of my co-interns, and those of the youth group that is about to come off the mountain and see this other side of life. I want to see every person and not judge them by appearance, and I want to get to know people and not judge them by their beliefs or opinions. I want the first thought to pop into my mind when I look at a person to be, "Wow, he/she is invaluable and special and loveable and worth the most a person could pay: the blood of the Son of God."

I was going to post photos, but I realized that I don't really have any that are blog-worthy. Except this (the view from the cabin where we stayed last week up in the mountains):

Together

I find it interesting how people will get along with each other if they're brought together for a common purpose. Our interns are all so different, coming from various states, churches, schools, cultures, and families. I love seeing us all together enjoying each other's company. I think about these new friends of mine and can hardly believe that we've only known each other for a week, because it feels like it's been months. FUN DAY on Friday was awesome and I hope that as a group we will have more picnics, lake visits, and dress up (or down, however you want to look at it) dinners. I pray that our shared passion for Christ will knit us together even more tightly to be effective lovers of all whom we encounter this summer.

This morning, several of us tried a new church, Denver Community Church. I liked it and feel that it would be a good place to connect, but I would still like to explore a few more. The worst part about moving to a new place, I have learned, is finding a church. To cut down on time, I think we are going to try to hit a couple next week instead of just one. After all, we're only here for ten weeks, and one of them is gone already!

I should probably explain something. Elevations, which I have mentioned, is a summer program for high schoolers (church youth groups). They come to Denver to hang out with us, because the Dry Bones interns are so cool. No; really, they come here and a couple of us will take them on a hike up a mountain from Monday through Thursday to focus them on God's love for all people and the worth ascribed to everyone because of Jesus' death and resurrection. When they come down, we will introduce them to Denver as the homeless youth know it: the shadowy niches and socially hidden areas of the downtown city streets. (This is the Turf Tour I mentioned learning about in my last post.) We then do a lot of hanging out with the street kids and we try to connect the Elevations kids with them through things such as bowling, movies, picnics, and meals. We as Dry Bones interns and staff hope that the youth groups take back a passion for loving unconditionally to their home community. It is sure to be a fun and busy summer, and I cannot wait to be in the thick of it all.

The Beginning

Daughter of Mine, can these bones live?
"O Sovereign LORD, You alone know."

If I would have updated this blog at the end of every day since last Saturday, the posts would all have a different feel and topic, but they would all end with me smiling as I fall asleep. I haven't even been here a week and I know that working with my co-interns and the Dry Bones staff is going to be one of the greatest blessings and learning experiences of my life so far - and Elevations hasn't even started yet.

I got here and ate dinner with three of my co-interns who picked me up from the airport. Then they helped me bring my stuff into my host's home. She has really cool velvety wallpaper (be jealous). I spent my first night here unpacking and nervous about meeting the rest of the interns... oh, and of climbing a mountain.

As a staff/intern group, we took a little retreat up a mountain (in Vail Pass...?) and lemme tell ya: hiking up through snow is the hardest thing I've ever physically done, even with snow shoes. It was really beautiful though; I don't see trees or snow like that (EVERYWHERE) very often. Our retreat/orientation was taken in a little hut amidst the swirling snow, pouring rain, and enveloping fog. Robbie (from Dry Bones staff) challenged us to try to see the world as God sees it, particularly this summer as we interact with youth group kids and homeless kids. In addition to some "guidelines" and a little bit of planning, we had a lot of fun eating, talking, and laughing. Getting to know 12 other people you barely know is a lot of fun. I can definitely say that these people are amazing and I love them already!

Well, after the Monday through Wednesday "camping" trip, we learned how to give Turf Tours of the downtown area where the street kids experience life. Even having done one of them about a year and a half ago, it's a really thought-provoking walk going into places and seeing things in ways that people who actually live and work in Denver hardly ever even notice. We also went bowling with the street kids. It was great to meet several of them, but I'm just hoping I can remember their names the next time we see each other!

I feel like this post isn't at all like I wanted my first post about Denver to be, but it's kind of difficult when I'm not really able to write on here every night. Hopefully I will make myself post more often... And possibly get a few pics up...

I Leave Tomorrow

I'm on the brink of Denver and I find myself balking mentally. I'm conflicted. On the one hand, I really want to go and I'm really excited to help out and love. On the other, I'm absolutely terrified. It was just a dull sense of nervousness, but in the past few days it's grown into a piercing feeling of anxiety. I haven't been able to fall asleep, night after night. I guess it's because I've never done anything like this before. And ten weeks is a long time! It's kind of funny though, because this was exactly one of my reasons for pursuing this internship: to be challenged. Boy, have I asked for it. We'll see how it goes once it's going! This first week is going to be a type of orientation, from the looks of the schedule, and I'm really excited to hang out with all the other seven interns and the Dry Bones staff.

Falling Slowly

Once again, I'm becoming a hermit.

I always do this whenever I come home from school. I stay in the house most of the time, and usually in my room. I love being alone (that's not to say that I don't love people - because I do), and it takes a lot to get me truly bored. I'm an introvert, but as with anyone else, too much alone time is unhealthy. And it hasn't even been two weeks yet!

Wow, so I've deleted two whole paragraphs, one right after the other, because I don't want to even write what I'm thinking for the whole world to see (as if anyone read this). That's how introverted I am; I'm hesitant to publish something on a blog! Lame!

Anyway, I'm praying that I can be bolder this summer.

Glad It's Not Humid Here

I successfully managed to conquer finals, pack my storage, move out my storage, pack my suitcases, and survive the flight home from Texas. The best treat was ready when I arrived at the airport: a trip to my sister's house, which means I got to see three of my nieces. Totally adorable, words can't describe.

Today while rummaging through my embarrassingly untidy closet for an empty binder in which to practice Irish Gaelic, I found part of an old journal from my senior year in high school. I skimmed through most of it and only stopped to read the interesting parts where I wasn't simply narrating my day (because you know how exciting a high schooler's life can get -- whew, oh man). I was reminded through my own handwriting of my "I-want-to-go-do-something-to-make-a-difference" nature and how it became more zealous and meaningful when I came to know Christ. I had even contemplated putting off college in order to go into AmeriCorps or on a mission trip. Looking back on the first half of my college career, I can't say how glad I am that I chose it. I can't say how I might be now if I had decided to take a different route, but I know that to experience what I've experienced to get where I am today has been a blessing. God has stirred up my love for Him, given me a crazy loving church family in Abilene, a worldwide cultural education, a love for learning, and a sealed confidence in Him - and He continues to give. I feel that there is no thanks great enough to give than my life.

I can't really settle at home in California for very long, as I'm leaving for my Dry Bones internship in Colorado on May 30. I have a few ideas for more fundraising while I'm here, so let's keep praying they pull through (my goal is to raise $2,500 for this internship, like a missionary would). If anyone reading this wants to know more about this amazing ministry, please visit www.drybonesdenver.org or shoot me an email (on my profile). If you are able to contribute to my funding, please let me know. Also, please pray for me... it's going to be an incredible summer. I am so excited.

But until then... there are meals to be cooked, Irish to be learned, family to love, friends to see, reading to be ingested, and Jesus to soak in...

Elsewhere

If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. (C. S. Lewis)

I don't know what it means to not want to be somewhere else.

I feel like there is always a part of me yearning for the comforts of my home with my parents in California, or the stimulation of the city of Oxford, or the love of my friends in Abilene, or the novelty and excitement of traveling in a new place... no matter where I am, I can't help but wonder what it's like to be somewhere else at that very moment.

This is a problem I have always had. I've always had trouble staying in the present. It used to be that I had my head stuck in the future: where I was going to college, what I was going to major in, what career I would have, who I would marry. Not that I have already figured all that out, but I'm just often mentally stuck in a completely different geographic location. I love traveling and living in several places, and as emotionally difficult as it can be sometimes, it always reminds me that this world is not my true home. As Paul said, my citizenship is in heaven. As much as I may want to be in some other place, I know that it cannot bring me the satisfaction and joy that I seek. But I am content. I'm realizing that God is changing my heart because when I am able to perceive challenges as a gift from Him, I am no longer looking through a worldly lens. Fixing my eyes on Him has never been sweeter.

Random

I go home in 11 days --- I haven't started packing --- I have -$0.10 on my UniPrint balance --- I can't sell back half of my textbooks --- I just read all my past Facebook statuses and can't believe how strange I am --- I like this weather but would like it even better if it were colder --- I think I should have gotten more sleep than I did last night to be this awake right now --- I've been thinking about the future a lot lately and how many possibilities there are... and I'm really excited.

The Steadfast Love of the Lord

[[I thought I should continue where I had left off my last blog. To understand this post better, you may want to read my Tuesday, April 14th post from my Oxford blog.]]

It is because of the Lord's mercy and loving-kindness that we are not consumed, because His [tender] compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great and abundant is Your stability and faithfulness. The Lord is my portion or share, says my living being (my inner self); therefore will I hope in Him and wait expectantly for Him. Lamentations 3:22-24 (AMP)

Last Sunday I totally got what God has been trying to tell me this whole semester: it's all about Him. No matter what happens with my social world, everything I do - everything in which I invest my time, money, emotions, energy - is supposed to be for His glory.

Soon after I returned home from Oxford, I began to wonder if it had been a mistake. Why was I having so much trouble with life back at home? Then, once I got back to ACU, it got worse. I didn't know how to do these old friendships and I didn't know where my new ones were going. I have made several amazing friends through my Oxford experience, both from ACU and from Oxford. I have become indescribably grateful for my roommate, Rebekah. She is beautiful, compassionate, faithful, fun, encouraging, and an awesome woman of God. I love her to death and she is one channel through which God has changed me this semester.

Here's the revelation: I have been overlooking the blessing that Oxford was. Simple as that. It's like He's put this amazing experience into my hands and I'm just shoving it away. I've been overlooking how God has worked through me and in me, and it's only hitting me now. He has always been with me throughout the whole experience, and I've been learning of His heart, and I know that He is relational and created us to be relational, and He wouldn't want us to be in any sort of unrest because of our relationships. What I've been seeking for myself in my old friends has been nothing to fill this void; He is it. No matter who my friends are, He is the greatest one of all. Of course I treasure my friends, but He turned my world upside down when I went to the other side of it. I'm finally accepting this change. I embrace the changes He's done in me and will use them to worship Him. No turning back -- I've changed, and this DOES NOT mean that I just had a fleeting experience. I feel like He's grown me so much just in these past few days with this knowledge and realization.

Acceptance is a strange thing. I've accepted God's grace and mercy and Jesus' love, but for some reason, I've been blocking out this blessing that last semester was and not letting God work through it. I've been working against it. I've been agonizing over the changes, which is why it was so hard. I wasn't opening my eyes to see how He was at work, and I most definitely was resisting growth by trying to turn around backwards and force things into how they used to be. The truth, though, is that I'm different than I was last year and all my old friends are different than they were last year, and that's okay. God has grown us. He's telling me now to let it out.

Even so, I do count my friends as some of my greatest blessings. I love hanging out with my close ACU-Oxford friends and wouldn't trade them or our experiences together for anything. I'm also realizing that I didn't only make friends in Oxford with the group I went with, but I also formed relationships through God's work with those in Oxford: my friends from St. Aldate's. I knew that, but it's only lately that I've been connecting with them more, and coming to fully realize how grateful I am for them. I'm also beginning to appreciate the Internet as connector of people across the globe. ;)

God was telling me on Sunday, "I love you. I've blessed you with experiences and friendships that mean so much more than you have acknowledged. And it's all because of Me, and it's all for Me."

I am so grateful. Thank You, Jesus.

[[I am reminded of the song "For Good" from the musical Wicked. Here is the part that comes to mind:]]

I've heard it said 

That people come into our lives for a reason 

Bringing something we must learn 

And we are led 

To those who help us most to grow 

If we let them 

And we help them in return 

Well, I don't know if I believe that's true 

But I know I'm who I am today 

Because I knew you... 

Like a comet pulled from orbit 

As it passes a sun 

Like a stream that meets a boulder 

Halfway through the wood 

Who can say if I've been changed for the better? 

But because I knew you 

I have been changed for good

Into the Presence

I am wrapped snugly within the fragrance of sweetness. The alluring scent of flowers and the heavy heat from the sun pulls me under and I am suspended. The sticky, warm aroma crawls into my vulnerable nostrils, assailing my brain with euphoric impressions of beauty and contentment. The smell keeps me, watches me, holds me, cradles me. Lovingly, she draws me home into the presence of the King, Who speaks to me words of fondness and affirmation. I am shaped into the worshiper You created me to be and pressed into Your lovingkindness. Now I'm Yours.

New Blog

So I did it. I created a new blog. I don't know what exactly I'll put there, but it's there...

New

So this is my new blog. I don't know exactly what I'm going to be putting here, but I felt like I should keep blogging. We'll see what happens. :)

Sometimes I Wish Life Gave the Option for a "Fade In/Out" Transition

I haven't posted since Christmas, and I don't even know if anyone really read this while I was posting during last semester. But I'm posting again now, just as a recap of what's been happening since then, just in case people do read this and wonder if I'm still alive or if the tumbleweeds have gotten the best of me.

My first semester back in Abilene has been so hard. Of course there have been easy things, like doing the schoolwork and seeing Oxford friends, but hanging out with my old friends has been a strange, difficult, and stretching experience. I don't feel like we click anymore, and even though I love them to death, I feel so uncomfortable around them sometimes. It's gotten easier as the semester's worn on, since we've been building back up our relationships, but it's completely different than last year. I knew it wasn't going to be the same, but I had no idea it would be this hard. I'm trying to decide if I'm supposed to try to rekindle the good friendships I had or just leave them be, although it's a little more comlicated than that.

God has been testing me to see if I really desire Him the most. Out of anything. I want to honestly be able to say, like David, "Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you" (Psalm 73:25). He has been showing me how high and wide and deep and long His love is, and I am learning to accept it. It's kind of hard, though, when I'm wanting my old friends back so much.

So, along with all this emotional stuff, my semester has also been awesome. I changed my major to Social Work and I am so glad God led me to it. I'm loving my classes and my professors and I'm really excited for next semester already. I've also started helping out with the 1st through 6th graders at my church here, Beltway Park. I go on Wednesday nights for "Wednesday Warriors" and pretty much just help out with games and small group activities. I love it and have been reminded how much I love kids. I always come home encouraged and feeling like I've seen a side of God I hadn't seen in quite some time.

Probably the most exciting thing about this semester is something that hasn't even happened yet. I am going to be interning with Dry Bones this summer in Denver, Colorado. I went on a Spring Break campaign with them last year and loved it, which is pretty much why I applied. Simply put, I will be hanging out with the homeless youth in downtown Denver and also church youth groups that come to hang out with them as well. I am incredibly excited, but am trying to stay in the present.

Alright, well I don't know if I'm going to keep posting here. I suppose I should, since this post was rather dreary. I really only wanted this blog to talk about my semester abroad, so I might make a new one for everyday things. Perhaps. I'll let you know if I do.