Deeper

Considering the past few days, a few notable experiences come to mind: Saturday's picnic, eating ice cream after Sunday night church, and hanging out in the park this afternoon.

First of all, the picnic is my favorite "event" that we, including the Elevations group, do. We have sandwiches, chips, cookies, and drinks to share all around. I am still a strong believer in the significance of meals (think about the Last Supper and communion... and any of the other meals Jesus shared with people), and I think that there's something about eating together that is so intimate and often overlooked. Anyway, sharing this midday meal, I met several street kids and got glimpses into lives that are so other. God keeps showing me the life behind mere appearances and granting me the patience to listen and ask questions about these lives.

After church downtown on Sunday night (which was my first ever night church experience), we wanted to hang out longer, so we went to the 16th Street Mall and ran into a few of our friends from the streets. We walked up and down the mall to find ice cream (because apparently ice cream machines like to break on the same day) and eventually stopped in a McDonald's and ate ice cream together. It was amazing to not feel a distinct rift between "us" as interns and "them" as street kids. I wonder what we looked like to people from the outside, and I also wonder at the way God is refocusing our eyes to see everyone as His beloved children. Something Dry Bones is passionate about is revealing the truth that there really is no "us" and "them;" there is just "us." I am beginning to see it and experience it.

The third notable thing I would like to share is my new friendship with a girl I'll call "Rachel." I actually met her at the picnic on Saturday. She is a photography student at the Art Institute, and today at the park I found out that she also writes poetry. How interesting; photography and poetry, two things I also enjoy. I wanted to ask her if I could hear some of her poems, but I was unsure at how she would respond so I said nothing. Suddenly, she starts speaking some of the most emotionally-charged, raw words I have heard and I look up and see that she's reading one of her poems. Finished, she looks up and tells me that the experience that prompted her to write the poem - one that made her feel like she was "crying blood" - was a bad past relationship with a very controlling man. I was so surprised that she would pour out something that was such a part of herself after knowing me for only a couple days. She also said something that made me realize a hardship that I have never had to deal with: she mentioned, in an off-hand manner, that she was unsure of where she would find food to eat later. I don't know how to respond to statements like that. I have literally no experience with not knowing where my next meal will come from. I can't even imagine feeling so unable to control something that seems as simple (now) as my diet. I look forward to see where our friendship will go in these coming weeks.

Glad It's Not Humid Here

I successfully managed to conquer finals, pack my storage, move out my storage, pack my suitcases, and survive the flight home from Texas. The best treat was ready when I arrived at the airport: a trip to my sister's house, which means I got to see three of my nieces. Totally adorable, words can't describe.

Today while rummaging through my embarrassingly untidy closet for an empty binder in which to practice Irish Gaelic, I found part of an old journal from my senior year in high school. I skimmed through most of it and only stopped to read the interesting parts where I wasn't simply narrating my day (because you know how exciting a high schooler's life can get -- whew, oh man). I was reminded through my own handwriting of my "I-want-to-go-do-something-to-make-a-difference" nature and how it became more zealous and meaningful when I came to know Christ. I had even contemplated putting off college in order to go into AmeriCorps or on a mission trip. Looking back on the first half of my college career, I can't say how glad I am that I chose it. I can't say how I might be now if I had decided to take a different route, but I know that to experience what I've experienced to get where I am today has been a blessing. God has stirred up my love for Him, given me a crazy loving church family in Abilene, a worldwide cultural education, a love for learning, and a sealed confidence in Him - and He continues to give. I feel that there is no thanks great enough to give than my life.

I can't really settle at home in California for very long, as I'm leaving for my Dry Bones internship in Colorado on May 30. I have a few ideas for more fundraising while I'm here, so let's keep praying they pull through (my goal is to raise $2,500 for this internship, like a missionary would). If anyone reading this wants to know more about this amazing ministry, please visit www.drybonesdenver.org or shoot me an email (on my profile). If you are able to contribute to my funding, please let me know. Also, please pray for me... it's going to be an incredible summer. I am so excited.

But until then... there are meals to be cooked, Irish to be learned, family to love, friends to see, reading to be ingested, and Jesus to soak in...

Elsewhere

If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. (C. S. Lewis)

I don't know what it means to not want to be somewhere else.

I feel like there is always a part of me yearning for the comforts of my home with my parents in California, or the stimulation of the city of Oxford, or the love of my friends in Abilene, or the novelty and excitement of traveling in a new place... no matter where I am, I can't help but wonder what it's like to be somewhere else at that very moment.

This is a problem I have always had. I've always had trouble staying in the present. It used to be that I had my head stuck in the future: where I was going to college, what I was going to major in, what career I would have, who I would marry. Not that I have already figured all that out, but I'm just often mentally stuck in a completely different geographic location. I love traveling and living in several places, and as emotionally difficult as it can be sometimes, it always reminds me that this world is not my true home. As Paul said, my citizenship is in heaven. As much as I may want to be in some other place, I know that it cannot bring me the satisfaction and joy that I seek. But I am content. I'm realizing that God is changing my heart because when I am able to perceive challenges as a gift from Him, I am no longer looking through a worldly lens. Fixing my eyes on Him has never been sweeter.

The Steadfast Love of the Lord

[[I thought I should continue where I had left off my last blog. To understand this post better, you may want to read my Tuesday, April 14th post from my Oxford blog.]]

It is because of the Lord's mercy and loving-kindness that we are not consumed, because His [tender] compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great and abundant is Your stability and faithfulness. The Lord is my portion or share, says my living being (my inner self); therefore will I hope in Him and wait expectantly for Him. Lamentations 3:22-24 (AMP)

Last Sunday I totally got what God has been trying to tell me this whole semester: it's all about Him. No matter what happens with my social world, everything I do - everything in which I invest my time, money, emotions, energy - is supposed to be for His glory.

Soon after I returned home from Oxford, I began to wonder if it had been a mistake. Why was I having so much trouble with life back at home? Then, once I got back to ACU, it got worse. I didn't know how to do these old friendships and I didn't know where my new ones were going. I have made several amazing friends through my Oxford experience, both from ACU and from Oxford. I have become indescribably grateful for my roommate, Rebekah. She is beautiful, compassionate, faithful, fun, encouraging, and an awesome woman of God. I love her to death and she is one channel through which God has changed me this semester.

Here's the revelation: I have been overlooking the blessing that Oxford was. Simple as that. It's like He's put this amazing experience into my hands and I'm just shoving it away. I've been overlooking how God has worked through me and in me, and it's only hitting me now. He has always been with me throughout the whole experience, and I've been learning of His heart, and I know that He is relational and created us to be relational, and He wouldn't want us to be in any sort of unrest because of our relationships. What I've been seeking for myself in my old friends has been nothing to fill this void; He is it. No matter who my friends are, He is the greatest one of all. Of course I treasure my friends, but He turned my world upside down when I went to the other side of it. I'm finally accepting this change. I embrace the changes He's done in me and will use them to worship Him. No turning back -- I've changed, and this DOES NOT mean that I just had a fleeting experience. I feel like He's grown me so much just in these past few days with this knowledge and realization.

Acceptance is a strange thing. I've accepted God's grace and mercy and Jesus' love, but for some reason, I've been blocking out this blessing that last semester was and not letting God work through it. I've been working against it. I've been agonizing over the changes, which is why it was so hard. I wasn't opening my eyes to see how He was at work, and I most definitely was resisting growth by trying to turn around backwards and force things into how they used to be. The truth, though, is that I'm different than I was last year and all my old friends are different than they were last year, and that's okay. God has grown us. He's telling me now to let it out.

Even so, I do count my friends as some of my greatest blessings. I love hanging out with my close ACU-Oxford friends and wouldn't trade them or our experiences together for anything. I'm also realizing that I didn't only make friends in Oxford with the group I went with, but I also formed relationships through God's work with those in Oxford: my friends from St. Aldate's. I knew that, but it's only lately that I've been connecting with them more, and coming to fully realize how grateful I am for them. I'm also beginning to appreciate the Internet as connector of people across the globe. ;)

God was telling me on Sunday, "I love you. I've blessed you with experiences and friendships that mean so much more than you have acknowledged. And it's all because of Me, and it's all for Me."

I am so grateful. Thank You, Jesus.

[[I am reminded of the song "For Good" from the musical Wicked. Here is the part that comes to mind:]]

I've heard it said 

That people come into our lives for a reason 

Bringing something we must learn 

And we are led 

To those who help us most to grow 

If we let them 

And we help them in return 

Well, I don't know if I believe that's true 

But I know I'm who I am today 

Because I knew you... 

Like a comet pulled from orbit 

As it passes a sun 

Like a stream that meets a boulder 

Halfway through the wood 

Who can say if I've been changed for the better? 

But because I knew you 

I have been changed for good