Random

I go home in 11 days --- I haven't started packing --- I have -$0.10 on my UniPrint balance --- I can't sell back half of my textbooks --- I just read all my past Facebook statuses and can't believe how strange I am --- I like this weather but would like it even better if it were colder --- I think I should have gotten more sleep than I did last night to be this awake right now --- I've been thinking about the future a lot lately and how many possibilities there are... and I'm really excited.

The Steadfast Love of the Lord

[[I thought I should continue where I had left off my last blog. To understand this post better, you may want to read my Tuesday, April 14th post from my Oxford blog.]]

It is because of the Lord's mercy and loving-kindness that we are not consumed, because His [tender] compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great and abundant is Your stability and faithfulness. The Lord is my portion or share, says my living being (my inner self); therefore will I hope in Him and wait expectantly for Him. Lamentations 3:22-24 (AMP)

Last Sunday I totally got what God has been trying to tell me this whole semester: it's all about Him. No matter what happens with my social world, everything I do - everything in which I invest my time, money, emotions, energy - is supposed to be for His glory.

Soon after I returned home from Oxford, I began to wonder if it had been a mistake. Why was I having so much trouble with life back at home? Then, once I got back to ACU, it got worse. I didn't know how to do these old friendships and I didn't know where my new ones were going. I have made several amazing friends through my Oxford experience, both from ACU and from Oxford. I have become indescribably grateful for my roommate, Rebekah. She is beautiful, compassionate, faithful, fun, encouraging, and an awesome woman of God. I love her to death and she is one channel through which God has changed me this semester.

Here's the revelation: I have been overlooking the blessing that Oxford was. Simple as that. It's like He's put this amazing experience into my hands and I'm just shoving it away. I've been overlooking how God has worked through me and in me, and it's only hitting me now. He has always been with me throughout the whole experience, and I've been learning of His heart, and I know that He is relational and created us to be relational, and He wouldn't want us to be in any sort of unrest because of our relationships. What I've been seeking for myself in my old friends has been nothing to fill this void; He is it. No matter who my friends are, He is the greatest one of all. Of course I treasure my friends, but He turned my world upside down when I went to the other side of it. I'm finally accepting this change. I embrace the changes He's done in me and will use them to worship Him. No turning back -- I've changed, and this DOES NOT mean that I just had a fleeting experience. I feel like He's grown me so much just in these past few days with this knowledge and realization.

Acceptance is a strange thing. I've accepted God's grace and mercy and Jesus' love, but for some reason, I've been blocking out this blessing that last semester was and not letting God work through it. I've been working against it. I've been agonizing over the changes, which is why it was so hard. I wasn't opening my eyes to see how He was at work, and I most definitely was resisting growth by trying to turn around backwards and force things into how they used to be. The truth, though, is that I'm different than I was last year and all my old friends are different than they were last year, and that's okay. God has grown us. He's telling me now to let it out.

Even so, I do count my friends as some of my greatest blessings. I love hanging out with my close ACU-Oxford friends and wouldn't trade them or our experiences together for anything. I'm also realizing that I didn't only make friends in Oxford with the group I went with, but I also formed relationships through God's work with those in Oxford: my friends from St. Aldate's. I knew that, but it's only lately that I've been connecting with them more, and coming to fully realize how grateful I am for them. I'm also beginning to appreciate the Internet as connector of people across the globe. ;)

God was telling me on Sunday, "I love you. I've blessed you with experiences and friendships that mean so much more than you have acknowledged. And it's all because of Me, and it's all for Me."

I am so grateful. Thank You, Jesus.

[[I am reminded of the song "For Good" from the musical Wicked. Here is the part that comes to mind:]]

I've heard it said 

That people come into our lives for a reason 

Bringing something we must learn 

And we are led 

To those who help us most to grow 

If we let them 

And we help them in return 

Well, I don't know if I believe that's true 

But I know I'm who I am today 

Because I knew you... 

Like a comet pulled from orbit 

As it passes a sun 

Like a stream that meets a boulder 

Halfway through the wood 

Who can say if I've been changed for the better? 

But because I knew you 

I have been changed for good

Into the Presence

I am wrapped snugly within the fragrance of sweetness. The alluring scent of flowers and the heavy heat from the sun pulls me under and I am suspended. The sticky, warm aroma crawls into my vulnerable nostrils, assailing my brain with euphoric impressions of beauty and contentment. The smell keeps me, watches me, holds me, cradles me. Lovingly, she draws me home into the presence of the King, Who speaks to me words of fondness and affirmation. I am shaped into the worshiper You created me to be and pressed into Your lovingkindness. Now I'm Yours.

New Blog

So I did it. I created a new blog. I don't know what exactly I'll put there, but it's there...

New

So this is my new blog. I don't know exactly what I'm going to be putting here, but I felt like I should keep blogging. We'll see what happens. :)

Sometimes I Wish Life Gave the Option for a "Fade In/Out" Transition

I haven't posted since Christmas, and I don't even know if anyone really read this while I was posting during last semester. But I'm posting again now, just as a recap of what's been happening since then, just in case people do read this and wonder if I'm still alive or if the tumbleweeds have gotten the best of me.

My first semester back in Abilene has been so hard. Of course there have been easy things, like doing the schoolwork and seeing Oxford friends, but hanging out with my old friends has been a strange, difficult, and stretching experience. I don't feel like we click anymore, and even though I love them to death, I feel so uncomfortable around them sometimes. It's gotten easier as the semester's worn on, since we've been building back up our relationships, but it's completely different than last year. I knew it wasn't going to be the same, but I had no idea it would be this hard. I'm trying to decide if I'm supposed to try to rekindle the good friendships I had or just leave them be, although it's a little more comlicated than that.

God has been testing me to see if I really desire Him the most. Out of anything. I want to honestly be able to say, like David, "Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you" (Psalm 73:25). He has been showing me how high and wide and deep and long His love is, and I am learning to accept it. It's kind of hard, though, when I'm wanting my old friends back so much.

So, along with all this emotional stuff, my semester has also been awesome. I changed my major to Social Work and I am so glad God led me to it. I'm loving my classes and my professors and I'm really excited for next semester already. I've also started helping out with the 1st through 6th graders at my church here, Beltway Park. I go on Wednesday nights for "Wednesday Warriors" and pretty much just help out with games and small group activities. I love it and have been reminded how much I love kids. I always come home encouraged and feeling like I've seen a side of God I hadn't seen in quite some time.

Probably the most exciting thing about this semester is something that hasn't even happened yet. I am going to be interning with Dry Bones this summer in Denver, Colorado. I went on a Spring Break campaign with them last year and loved it, which is pretty much why I applied. Simply put, I will be hanging out with the homeless youth in downtown Denver and also church youth groups that come to hang out with them as well. I am incredibly excited, but am trying to stay in the present.

Alright, well I don't know if I'm going to keep posting here. I suppose I should, since this post was rather dreary. I really only wanted this blog to talk about my semester abroad, so I might make a new one for everyday things. Perhaps. I'll let you know if I do.