I Leave Tomorrow

I'm on the brink of Denver and I find myself balking mentally. I'm conflicted. On the one hand, I really want to go and I'm really excited to help out and love. On the other, I'm absolutely terrified. It was just a dull sense of nervousness, but in the past few days it's grown into a piercing feeling of anxiety. I haven't been able to fall asleep, night after night. I guess it's because I've never done anything like this before. And ten weeks is a long time! It's kind of funny though, because this was exactly one of my reasons for pursuing this internship: to be challenged. Boy, have I asked for it. We'll see how it goes once it's going! This first week is going to be a type of orientation, from the looks of the schedule, and I'm really excited to hang out with all the other seven interns and the Dry Bones staff.

Falling Slowly

Once again, I'm becoming a hermit.

I always do this whenever I come home from school. I stay in the house most of the time, and usually in my room. I love being alone (that's not to say that I don't love people - because I do), and it takes a lot to get me truly bored. I'm an introvert, but as with anyone else, too much alone time is unhealthy. And it hasn't even been two weeks yet!

Wow, so I've deleted two whole paragraphs, one right after the other, because I don't want to even write what I'm thinking for the whole world to see (as if anyone read this). That's how introverted I am; I'm hesitant to publish something on a blog! Lame!

Anyway, I'm praying that I can be bolder this summer.

Glad It's Not Humid Here

I successfully managed to conquer finals, pack my storage, move out my storage, pack my suitcases, and survive the flight home from Texas. The best treat was ready when I arrived at the airport: a trip to my sister's house, which means I got to see three of my nieces. Totally adorable, words can't describe.

Today while rummaging through my embarrassingly untidy closet for an empty binder in which to practice Irish Gaelic, I found part of an old journal from my senior year in high school. I skimmed through most of it and only stopped to read the interesting parts where I wasn't simply narrating my day (because you know how exciting a high schooler's life can get -- whew, oh man). I was reminded through my own handwriting of my "I-want-to-go-do-something-to-make-a-difference" nature and how it became more zealous and meaningful when I came to know Christ. I had even contemplated putting off college in order to go into AmeriCorps or on a mission trip. Looking back on the first half of my college career, I can't say how glad I am that I chose it. I can't say how I might be now if I had decided to take a different route, but I know that to experience what I've experienced to get where I am today has been a blessing. God has stirred up my love for Him, given me a crazy loving church family in Abilene, a worldwide cultural education, a love for learning, and a sealed confidence in Him - and He continues to give. I feel that there is no thanks great enough to give than my life.

I can't really settle at home in California for very long, as I'm leaving for my Dry Bones internship in Colorado on May 30. I have a few ideas for more fundraising while I'm here, so let's keep praying they pull through (my goal is to raise $2,500 for this internship, like a missionary would). If anyone reading this wants to know more about this amazing ministry, please visit www.drybonesdenver.org or shoot me an email (on my profile). If you are able to contribute to my funding, please let me know. Also, please pray for me... it's going to be an incredible summer. I am so excited.

But until then... there are meals to be cooked, Irish to be learned, family to love, friends to see, reading to be ingested, and Jesus to soak in...

Elsewhere

If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. (C. S. Lewis)

I don't know what it means to not want to be somewhere else.

I feel like there is always a part of me yearning for the comforts of my home with my parents in California, or the stimulation of the city of Oxford, or the love of my friends in Abilene, or the novelty and excitement of traveling in a new place... no matter where I am, I can't help but wonder what it's like to be somewhere else at that very moment.

This is a problem I have always had. I've always had trouble staying in the present. It used to be that I had my head stuck in the future: where I was going to college, what I was going to major in, what career I would have, who I would marry. Not that I have already figured all that out, but I'm just often mentally stuck in a completely different geographic location. I love traveling and living in several places, and as emotionally difficult as it can be sometimes, it always reminds me that this world is not my true home. As Paul said, my citizenship is in heaven. As much as I may want to be in some other place, I know that it cannot bring me the satisfaction and joy that I seek. But I am content. I'm realizing that God is changing my heart because when I am able to perceive challenges as a gift from Him, I am no longer looking through a worldly lens. Fixing my eyes on Him has never been sweeter.