Glad It's Not Humid Here

I successfully managed to conquer finals, pack my storage, move out my storage, pack my suitcases, and survive the flight home from Texas. The best treat was ready when I arrived at the airport: a trip to my sister's house, which means I got to see three of my nieces. Totally adorable, words can't describe.

Today while rummaging through my embarrassingly untidy closet for an empty binder in which to practice Irish Gaelic, I found part of an old journal from my senior year in high school. I skimmed through most of it and only stopped to read the interesting parts where I wasn't simply narrating my day (because you know how exciting a high schooler's life can get -- whew, oh man). I was reminded through my own handwriting of my "I-want-to-go-do-something-to-make-a-difference" nature and how it became more zealous and meaningful when I came to know Christ. I had even contemplated putting off college in order to go into AmeriCorps or on a mission trip. Looking back on the first half of my college career, I can't say how glad I am that I chose it. I can't say how I might be now if I had decided to take a different route, but I know that to experience what I've experienced to get where I am today has been a blessing. God has stirred up my love for Him, given me a crazy loving church family in Abilene, a worldwide cultural education, a love for learning, and a sealed confidence in Him - and He continues to give. I feel that there is no thanks great enough to give than my life.

I can't really settle at home in California for very long, as I'm leaving for my Dry Bones internship in Colorado on May 30. I have a few ideas for more fundraising while I'm here, so let's keep praying they pull through (my goal is to raise $2,500 for this internship, like a missionary would). If anyone reading this wants to know more about this amazing ministry, please visit www.drybonesdenver.org or shoot me an email (on my profile). If you are able to contribute to my funding, please let me know. Also, please pray for me... it's going to be an incredible summer. I am so excited.

But until then... there are meals to be cooked, Irish to be learned, family to love, friends to see, reading to be ingested, and Jesus to soak in...

Elsewhere

If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. (C. S. Lewis)

I don't know what it means to not want to be somewhere else.

I feel like there is always a part of me yearning for the comforts of my home with my parents in California, or the stimulation of the city of Oxford, or the love of my friends in Abilene, or the novelty and excitement of traveling in a new place... no matter where I am, I can't help but wonder what it's like to be somewhere else at that very moment.

This is a problem I have always had. I've always had trouble staying in the present. It used to be that I had my head stuck in the future: where I was going to college, what I was going to major in, what career I would have, who I would marry. Not that I have already figured all that out, but I'm just often mentally stuck in a completely different geographic location. I love traveling and living in several places, and as emotionally difficult as it can be sometimes, it always reminds me that this world is not my true home. As Paul said, my citizenship is in heaven. As much as I may want to be in some other place, I know that it cannot bring me the satisfaction and joy that I seek. But I am content. I'm realizing that God is changing my heart because when I am able to perceive challenges as a gift from Him, I am no longer looking through a worldly lens. Fixing my eyes on Him has never been sweeter.

Random

I go home in 11 days --- I haven't started packing --- I have -$0.10 on my UniPrint balance --- I can't sell back half of my textbooks --- I just read all my past Facebook statuses and can't believe how strange I am --- I like this weather but would like it even better if it were colder --- I think I should have gotten more sleep than I did last night to be this awake right now --- I've been thinking about the future a lot lately and how many possibilities there are... and I'm really excited.

The Steadfast Love of the Lord

[[I thought I should continue where I had left off my last blog. To understand this post better, you may want to read my Tuesday, April 14th post from my Oxford blog.]]

It is because of the Lord's mercy and loving-kindness that we are not consumed, because His [tender] compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great and abundant is Your stability and faithfulness. The Lord is my portion or share, says my living being (my inner self); therefore will I hope in Him and wait expectantly for Him. Lamentations 3:22-24 (AMP)

Last Sunday I totally got what God has been trying to tell me this whole semester: it's all about Him. No matter what happens with my social world, everything I do - everything in which I invest my time, money, emotions, energy - is supposed to be for His glory.

Soon after I returned home from Oxford, I began to wonder if it had been a mistake. Why was I having so much trouble with life back at home? Then, once I got back to ACU, it got worse. I didn't know how to do these old friendships and I didn't know where my new ones were going. I have made several amazing friends through my Oxford experience, both from ACU and from Oxford. I have become indescribably grateful for my roommate, Rebekah. She is beautiful, compassionate, faithful, fun, encouraging, and an awesome woman of God. I love her to death and she is one channel through which God has changed me this semester.

Here's the revelation: I have been overlooking the blessing that Oxford was. Simple as that. It's like He's put this amazing experience into my hands and I'm just shoving it away. I've been overlooking how God has worked through me and in me, and it's only hitting me now. He has always been with me throughout the whole experience, and I've been learning of His heart, and I know that He is relational and created us to be relational, and He wouldn't want us to be in any sort of unrest because of our relationships. What I've been seeking for myself in my old friends has been nothing to fill this void; He is it. No matter who my friends are, He is the greatest one of all. Of course I treasure my friends, but He turned my world upside down when I went to the other side of it. I'm finally accepting this change. I embrace the changes He's done in me and will use them to worship Him. No turning back -- I've changed, and this DOES NOT mean that I just had a fleeting experience. I feel like He's grown me so much just in these past few days with this knowledge and realization.

Acceptance is a strange thing. I've accepted God's grace and mercy and Jesus' love, but for some reason, I've been blocking out this blessing that last semester was and not letting God work through it. I've been working against it. I've been agonizing over the changes, which is why it was so hard. I wasn't opening my eyes to see how He was at work, and I most definitely was resisting growth by trying to turn around backwards and force things into how they used to be. The truth, though, is that I'm different than I was last year and all my old friends are different than they were last year, and that's okay. God has grown us. He's telling me now to let it out.

Even so, I do count my friends as some of my greatest blessings. I love hanging out with my close ACU-Oxford friends and wouldn't trade them or our experiences together for anything. I'm also realizing that I didn't only make friends in Oxford with the group I went with, but I also formed relationships through God's work with those in Oxford: my friends from St. Aldate's. I knew that, but it's only lately that I've been connecting with them more, and coming to fully realize how grateful I am for them. I'm also beginning to appreciate the Internet as connector of people across the globe. ;)

God was telling me on Sunday, "I love you. I've blessed you with experiences and friendships that mean so much more than you have acknowledged. And it's all because of Me, and it's all for Me."

I am so grateful. Thank You, Jesus.

[[I am reminded of the song "For Good" from the musical Wicked. Here is the part that comes to mind:]]

I've heard it said 

That people come into our lives for a reason 

Bringing something we must learn 

And we are led 

To those who help us most to grow 

If we let them 

And we help them in return 

Well, I don't know if I believe that's true 

But I know I'm who I am today 

Because I knew you... 

Like a comet pulled from orbit 

As it passes a sun 

Like a stream that meets a boulder 

Halfway through the wood 

Who can say if I've been changed for the better? 

But because I knew you 

I have been changed for good

Into the Presence

I am wrapped snugly within the fragrance of sweetness. The alluring scent of flowers and the heavy heat from the sun pulls me under and I am suspended. The sticky, warm aroma crawls into my vulnerable nostrils, assailing my brain with euphoric impressions of beauty and contentment. The smell keeps me, watches me, holds me, cradles me. Lovingly, she draws me home into the presence of the King, Who speaks to me words of fondness and affirmation. I am shaped into the worshiper You created me to be and pressed into Your lovingkindness. Now I'm Yours.

New Blog

So I did it. I created a new blog. I don't know what exactly I'll put there, but it's there...

New

So this is my new blog. I don't know exactly what I'm going to be putting here, but I felt like I should keep blogging. We'll see what happens. :)

Sometimes I Wish Life Gave the Option for a "Fade In/Out" Transition

I haven't posted since Christmas, and I don't even know if anyone really read this while I was posting during last semester. But I'm posting again now, just as a recap of what's been happening since then, just in case people do read this and wonder if I'm still alive or if the tumbleweeds have gotten the best of me.

My first semester back in Abilene has been so hard. Of course there have been easy things, like doing the schoolwork and seeing Oxford friends, but hanging out with my old friends has been a strange, difficult, and stretching experience. I don't feel like we click anymore, and even though I love them to death, I feel so uncomfortable around them sometimes. It's gotten easier as the semester's worn on, since we've been building back up our relationships, but it's completely different than last year. I knew it wasn't going to be the same, but I had no idea it would be this hard. I'm trying to decide if I'm supposed to try to rekindle the good friendships I had or just leave them be, although it's a little more comlicated than that.

God has been testing me to see if I really desire Him the most. Out of anything. I want to honestly be able to say, like David, "Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you" (Psalm 73:25). He has been showing me how high and wide and deep and long His love is, and I am learning to accept it. It's kind of hard, though, when I'm wanting my old friends back so much.

So, along with all this emotional stuff, my semester has also been awesome. I changed my major to Social Work and I am so glad God led me to it. I'm loving my classes and my professors and I'm really excited for next semester already. I've also started helping out with the 1st through 6th graders at my church here, Beltway Park. I go on Wednesday nights for "Wednesday Warriors" and pretty much just help out with games and small group activities. I love it and have been reminded how much I love kids. I always come home encouraged and feeling like I've seen a side of God I hadn't seen in quite some time.

Probably the most exciting thing about this semester is something that hasn't even happened yet. I am going to be interning with Dry Bones this summer in Denver, Colorado. I went on a Spring Break campaign with them last year and loved it, which is pretty much why I applied. Simply put, I will be hanging out with the homeless youth in downtown Denver and also church youth groups that come to hang out with them as well. I am incredibly excited, but am trying to stay in the present.

Alright, well I don't know if I'm going to keep posting here. I suppose I should, since this post was rather dreary. I really only wanted this blog to talk about my semester abroad, so I might make a new one for everyday things. Perhaps. I'll let you know if I do.

Wondering Where Home is Now

I can't believe I've been home for two weeks and a day and I still feel like I can walk out the door and down the street into town, central Oxford. It's ridiculous how fast the time has gone, from the moment I entered the Study Abroad meeting during Passport before college started until this moment, Christmas night, after the semester is all said and done. I really miss Oxford and my friends there, but I think because it's more within my reach I miss Abilene and my friends there more. I'm really excited to go back (January 10th!) and room with Rebekah again. That'll be such a blast! :)

Cornmarket at night near Christmas

Quick update on the last week of Oxford:
- Thursday, December 4th: last cell group, last Risky. Cell was sad, but good. I'm so glad I got a chance to meet those people; they love the Lord so much and are so intent on spreading His word and love. I got a photo of all of us. Risky was good too and afterwards the usual group (me, Anne, Colin, and Ed) went to G&Ds and hung out. I got really sad that it was the last time we were seeing both of them! But fortunately I got a photo of all of us and I can see Anne at school in a few weeks.
- Friday, December 5th: We went to Hyde Park in London to see the Christmas lights and festivities. Then we saw the musical Wicked. It was SO GOOD. It had really cool sets and costumes, the songs were great, the performers were amazing, and it was hilarious!
- Saturday, December 6th: I further explored Oxford with Anne and Rebekah. I had never walked through Jericho just for the the heck of it, except to get to Port Meadow, but I'm glad I finally did; it's really neat. I did a bunch of Christmas shopping too. We ate lunch at this place on Broad Street called Cafe Creme ('tis fabulous).
- Sunday, December 7th: We went to St. Aldate's for the last time and it ended up being the children's Christmas play! It was so cute and it was great that we saw it because we thought we were going to miss it for sure.
- Monday, December 8th: That evening, we got all nice and went to dinner with the whole group at Freud's Cafe. Then some of us were going to go to The Bridge to hang out, but there was something going on and most of us didn't want to wait to figure it out, so we left and went to G&Ds. Then Anne and I parted from that group to go to club outreach, which was fun and kind of sad. I got a picture of our usual team (me, Turlough, Pete, Anne, and Gary) at the end, and I'm so glad because I can now cherish it forever!
- Tuesday, December 9th: I went to lunch with Turlough, Anne, and Pete at the Gourmet Burger Kitchen and to Ben's Cookies afterwards. We were so glad to be able to hang out with them one last time. I'm missing them so much!! At least I'll get to see Anne in a couple weeks though, haha.

I'm gonna miss crazy British signs like this

So...
I really feel like this semester I've gained a lot of confidence, not only in navigating through places I've never been but also in evangelism and speaking about the Lord. Club outreach definitely helped with that (because it was experience) but so did my cell group. Something that Tom, one of my cell group leaders, said one time has stuck with me ever since he said it. It was regarding Matthew 28:19 ("... go and make disciples..."). Usually when we think of this we think of an intentional mission, a purposeful movement out of ourselves to speak about Jesus, specifically. He put a new spin on it: "In your going, make disciples." As you live, with everything you do and say, always be thinking about spreading the Word and be intent on that as you live your daily life doing daily things, no matter what they are. Kind of like that St. Francis of Assisi quote, "Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words," but I like the Matthew paraphrase better. :)

Under the top bunk in our room

I'm a little nervous about returning back to Abilene. I've missed meeting most of the new freshmen and anyone else that may have arrived at lovely ACU, I've developed new relationships, I've not kept up old ones like I should have, and I'm not sure how things are going socially there. I feel like everything is going to be so different and I'm just hoping I can cope with it alright. I'm scared that good friends that I had last year will no longer be good friends and that where I'll want to be is not going to be possible.

Something I Don't Have to Say

I'm hardly in the mood to update this, as I'm currently in hate with Christmas (the commercialized version of it anyway) and very frustrated, but I figured since it's been two weeks since I've left Oxford and gotten back to Escondido, I should say something. Well. I'll just let "Oxford Spring 2007 KEB" (whoever that was; but thank you if it happens to be you) speak what I'd like to tell future travelers:

From the inside of a wardrobe in the biggest room (ours), House 10

Real update coming soon.